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Caregiving

Till Death Do Us Part: Taking Care of a Spouse

Summary & Participants

Caring for an ill spouse can present some exceptionally difficult circumstances. Set boundaries, seek advice and don't forget to care for yourself.

Medically Reviewed On: July 03, 2008

Webcast Transcript

ANNOUNCER: Providing care for an injured, frail or sick loved one can be an overwhelming task. Caring for an ill spouse can present some exceptionally difficult circumstances.

LARRY SOSNOW: Caring for a spouse is a very different relationship than caring for a parent, because you're caring for somebody more of an equal. And it's a very, very difficult emotional challenge for a spouse to see the other spouse decline.

CAREGIVER: If I think about what changed the most, I wouldn't be able to pinpoint it. I think it's a total change.

ANNOUNCER: This woman, a clinical social worker was faced with the difficult decision of how to provide care for her 95-year-old husband. It was a subject the two of them had already discussed.

CAREGIVER: I felt that, sooner or later, we were going to have a problem of what to do, as we got older, and less able to take care of ourselves. So my spouse and I discussed whether we wanted to be in a full care community or whether we wanted to be at home. And we decided, jointly, that we preferred to be at home.

We needed help sooner than we had thought because, within months, my husband sustained a fall.

ANNOUNCER: Caring for a spouse may mean adjusting to a new normal. And all of the challenges and demands can take their toll on a marriage.

LARRY SOSNOW: The potential pitfalls in caring for a spouse lies in the very relationship that the husband and wife have for each other. If the wife-husband relationship is good to begin with and loving, there's nothing better than being a so-called "support" for the spouse. But if you don't have a good relationship and you find your spouse all of a sudden ill in a chronic terminal illness, you're going to resent caring for your spouse and probably that's where you should have an outside caregiver.

ANNOUNCER: Many health professionals feel caregiving should not fall squarely on the shoulders of a spouse.

LARRY SOSNOW: If the spouse has a chronic illness that's going to progress pretty rapidly, it's wrong for the one spouse to care for the other spouse and not be the mate, not be the wife or the husband and give them the proper social, marital support.

In many cases, the best that you can offer your spouse is to provide outside professional care, to bring in an agent who will provide the care, rather than you doing it yourself.

ANNOUNCER: If financial resources permit hiring outside help, it is important to set the right boundaries in advance so you know what to expect.

CAREGIVER: I think it's very hard to draw lines here between my responsibility, the caregiver's responsibility, and even the housekeepers responsibility, and I've struggled with where do you draw the line.

I think it would be very helpful for the spouse of the patient to get a job description.

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